I always believed that the older I got, the more confident I’d be in my roles in life but as I sit drinking coffee and listening to my boys, I can’t shake the feeling I’m a drift.
Life passes in a blur.
A kaleidoscope of colour and sound, a surge of excitement, a wave of nausea, a flicker of wonderment accented with a giggle of whimsy and enjoyment.
Babies who blinked at you with innocent acknowledgement grow to hug you with little boy affections, while excitedly recounting their day to you while you snuggle on the couch at night making your long work day worth it.
Parents who once guided you and taught you how to be a good person become friends who you genuinely enjoy their company and can’t imagine being anyplace else.
You become a multifaceted version of you. A plethora of personas wrapped into one body; mother, daughter, friend employee. You switch directions often and sometimes forget yourself, but you are living.
You are alive.
Life can be chaos, it can also be smooth waters.
You can rocket and rage through it as easy as you sail effortlessly along.
Autism is a consistent. It is a constant companion in an ASD families life, but it too, is multifaceted.
I can reflect back and smile knowing the tough days were survivable and feel proud I persevered. There were times I doubted my ability to make it.
Those days I thank bravado and stubbornness for fuelling me on.
Today I can sit back and watch my boys do ordinary things, read, colour, draw, play and be thankful for all the gifts the universe has afforded me.
I can stop questioning if I’m doing enough, if I’m making the right choices, because in this moment I feel like I’ve had to have done everything right to find the peace and contentment my home radiates right now.
I can look at my ASD kid and marvel at how lovely he is. His cheeky grin, his gentle touch as he grins goofily and asks ‘mom, can I hug you?’ And cuddles in. For all the times I feel I’m failing him that sweet smile tells me to not be so hard on myself.
Maybe it’s ok to drift on life’s ocean sometimes.
Maybe we just need to lean back in the sun and ‘be’ once in a while and it’s ok if we let the wind steer us.
Sometimes we don’t need a map.