The best gift a human is given is “intuition” .
It is an internal sensor that says “Hey! Hey you! take it easy…something is amiss. Danger, Danger!, Will Robinson!!”
I myself, am very intuitive.
I base a lot of my decisions on a niggling feeling that I can’t quite explain. It is a little voice that talks to me, tells me what I am ‘feeling’ from the situation or my surroundings.
No, not THAT kind of voice…
I’ve never been the type to put too much thought into a choice. I either feel strongly for an option, or not.
When LIncoln was little I was extremely protective of him. Sure, he was my first-born and I am a Mother (we tend to have the desire to protect our young) but I never felt quite the same about my other boys and I understand now that perhaps I understood somehow earlier on that Lincoln was different and needed to be watched differently then others.
Being a January baby LIncoln did not start school until he was 4 and 3/4.
I remember sitting in ‘Welcome to Kindergarten’ with 40 or so other parents and asking the Principal “what happens if my Son is not ready?”
“He’ll be fine. Trust me”
“Sure, I know, but seriously… what happens if he is not?”
The kind Principal walked over and stood firmly in front of me smiling. “he’ll be just fine.”
I started to tear up.
I wanted that to be the case so, so badly. I had flip-flopped back and forth about signing him up for JK. I read studies that many boys just are not ready and how it is not mandatory. Rushing boys could prove damaging if they are not mature enough to handle the situation.
OMG. Stress, stress, stress. And stress, stress.
All summer long we worked on school. We had circle time with the two other boys to get him use to routine. We talked up playing with kids, the fun sand table from the class, etc.
By summers end I was as confused as ever. DO I? or DON’T I?
Being 5 months pregnant with my 4th son didn’t help either. I was an emotion disaster!!
An internal fount of emotion kept calling to me “No, something is wrong. He isn’t ready, don’t do this to him” What a decision to have to make.
I spent many a car ride worrying, questioning, talking it out with my bestest friends. “Could it be Autism?” no he talks Is he just super nervous? Does he have anxiety? I likely drove them nuts, though, if I did they never complained. Thank you, girls!
Lincoln ended up making the decision for us.
He wanted to see the sand table. He wanted to go to school! The voice settled and retreated. My heart glowed. My boy wanted to venture out into the world!!
I felt lie a weenie for worrying myself senseless for 6 months.
2 pm came and my cell phone ran. I just knew it was bad. I was moving before I completed the call.
I pulled my son out of school after 2 hours.
As I walked to the classroom and stood in the door talking to his brand new teacher (a lovely woman with a soft disposition and kind face) my mind swam with thoughts. She told me how he was merciless in his crying and carrying on, so much that he scared the other kids and had to be taken to the office where he sat on the secretaries lap crying inconsolably.
“Have you had him tested?” the Teacher asked gently.
“No. NO I haven’t. But I will”
I responded blankly as my mind raced, ‘tested, for what, where do I start? what is wrong with my baby?’
“Every thing is going to be ok” I told my Son. I told myself. “It will be ok, we will figure it out” My insides surged, like waves on stormy waters. Like a boat that’s sprang a leak, I tried to pretend it wouldn’t be the end of us. I forged out to the parking lot, phone in hand.
“Yes, I need a referral” I advised. “I need to see someone about my son”
‘Yes’ the voice urged me on. ‘Good’ it told me.
“We are going to figure this out, Son.’ I told him, hugging him close.
“Don’t ever leave me alone, Mom. I was so scared”
“Never. Never! I promise.”
He turned and gazed out the window after I belted him in, satisfied with my answer. My promise.
The tears dried. My hug, healed.
Inner me sighed, content that I now understood. The voice had been telling me. I felt a calm finally.
TRUST your instincts. TRUST YOURSELF.
If you feel something is amiss, seek help. You know your child and your child deserves to be understood.
Don’t fail them by ignoring the signs and don’t be too proud to allow yourself to ask the questions.
Autism –we’re we too blind to see the signs??
Or are the signs good at disguising themselves?