Excuse me if I seem distracted through this post, I am trying to create a blog entry while watching 3 out of 4 kids and making a pot of KD deluxe (the deluxe is just extra love but it makes me feel better about serving KD)
I’ve been back to work over a month and it seems like it was yesterday.
The kids adjusted waaaay better than I expected (maybe my ego felt a little slighted at the knowledge the world did not stop when I rushed out into the darkness of the 6am morning) but I am still playing catch up.
Now, let me explain.
I LOVE being me, Amanda the girl, er, woman again.
I put on my big girl clothes and heels and lose the Mom purse and I grab my latte without 4 kids in the car screaming or singing or bugging the closes sibling to them. I read all the way to Union, big people books WITHOUT pictures and I even get to admire the buildings as I rush up Bay St toward my office.
I can rush, I don’t have to slow my pace to a turtles to compensate for the little legs of my 3 ft off-spring.
BUT — back in mommyworld, my kids are growing, exploring, experiencing and I am missing it all.
I am missing my 14 month old as he learns to climb on to the kitchen table. I am not there to see his victorious grin and cackle as he is caught on said table nor the other children’s reactions to their ‘baby’ as he matures into *sob* a Toddler.
I don’t feel like I am %100 at work, my heart is someplace else. My attention span is nil and I can’t seem to focus.
When I return home I feel like a hurricane busting through the door to embrace my kids and squeeze as much time and cuddles out of them until I tuck them into bed. 3 hours is such a short time.
I have chores and lunches, and dinner to make for the next day ahead before I take a little me time. When I look at the clock it is 11pm…
Then, one morning on the GO I am awake enough to realize I have really done very little with Lincoln and perhaps I am failing him.
He needs a little more from us, how could I be so selfish? How am I ever going to make this all work? How? How?
In another instant my panic breaks.
I smile. A big cheesy grin.
My boy is JUST fine.
He is thriving, and he is actually embracing the independence. His notes home each day are starting to mirror each other, like carbon copies “worked on his own….little redirection…no redirection…” My boy has figured it out.
We have moved into phase 2 of the Autism diagnoses in my mind. The year of Dr’s appts and meeting and consultations are done. We now need to live the advice, live the diagnosis, live our lives that we have altered to allow better understanding of our son and his needs.
We are ok.
I may not have mastered how I will complete ALL my mom duties with complete success, but we are surviving just fine.
Time will afford us the much need grace period to become fluid in our actions and to fine tune our routine so everything gets done and there is still a little free fun time for all to enjoy.
The back to work Mom may have to juggle her little heart out, but she never has to compromise.
She shall have it all 🙂