Fish Killer -When an ASD curiosity ends in upset.

“FISH KILLER! You Son are a bone fide Fish murderer.”

I admit now, the words were harsh. Look at them. Killer. Murderer.

On paper, it looks even worse.

I am not a mean person by nature, not for enjoyment and I’m pretty sensitive to how people might feel when you speak to them and I definitely do care that my kids don’t gain complexes that will cripple them for adulthood and curve off the life they “COULD” have had if they just believed in themselves.

BUT, I am also obligated to raise my children to be kind and caring.

To value life, any life. No matter how small or insignificant.

Afterall, how do we tell them apart? Who has the power to dictate which life is unimportant? certainly not me. certainly not a 9 yr old boy in the middle of suburbia.

“Lincoln killed Gray’s FISH! OH MY GOD, he killed it!”

That was my cue to get up off the couch I had just settled in after my 12 hr day and making dinner to see what was amok in the livingroom.

I found my son red-handed. Holding the bag, or shall I say bowl. In it? As promised, one very dead fish. Belly up. Assume the position. Good fish.

“I only meant to hold it!” he explained.

“Lincoln! you cannot hold a fish. You hurt it.” I tell him calmly. I bend down and take a desperate once over, hoping for a gill wag or tail flip. Something.

The bowl is deadly calm.

“hum. Well, it does indeed appear to be dead”

“So what?! It is JUST a fish!” Lincoln says.

I turn to him and take his hand, a little less than poised I turn him to me.

“Lincoln! It matters a great deal. This was your brothers fish! He had to work hard to earn the right to have a pet fish! He will be sad that he is dead.”

“Yeah, yeah! so what!”

I stood staring at my child. Autism or not I was appalled that any of my kids would be so nonchalant about a death.

“Fish killer” I said to him.

His eyes grew wide.

“That is right, son, you are a bone fide fish murderer! I hope you are proud of yourself!”

He then looked down, and looked sad. Score one for Mom.

“Lincoln, I know it was not your intention to hurt the fish, it was an accident, but Son, you have to be gentle and you need to listen when people tell you NOT to do something…it is for a good reason”

“Ok MOM. Grayson I am sorry”

And with that, we said our apologies. we hugged in grief and we flushed good-bye to Bob 2. He was a good fish.

The next night I went to a basketball game with one of the kids and did not see Lincoln all day. The next night we had a birthday party at The Rat. Chuck E Cheese.

At the end of the party I asked Lincoln if he wanted to drive home with me (sometimes it is nice to have a little one-on-one with him he is a great car conversationalist if given the spot light) He accepted my offer.

I offered to grab him a burger and me a coffee and as we exited the drive through this perfect little voice broke the silence.

“Mom, are you stlll disappointed with me?”

My heart squeezed tight. So tight I know I couldn’t muster a breath.

“Oh honey! why would think that?”

“Because, I am a fish killer. I killed Graysons fish because I didn’t listen to you”

“Oh Lincoln, I am sorry, I didn’t mean to make you worry about this. I just wanted you to know that it is not ok to kill anything. I love you honey. I’m not mad, just sad it happened.”

“I won’t ever kill a fish again Mom”

I have to admit, I cried.

But when he said that I know that I did not regret my words.

He got the lesson, and he understood that regardless of your intentions you sometimes have to take heed and trust others advice. That life IS precious. Even a Beta fish names BOB 2.

I do regret not being considerate enough to think that perhaps my words would trouble him. I had been unavailable for almost 36 hrs and my poor boy had been troubled about my opinion of him for that time. Maybe he didn’t know how to ask others if I was mad and I didn’t give him the chance to ask me himself, which, BTW I applaud him for being brave enough to be forthright and ask me if I was disappointed.

A lot of adults still can’t do that. A pretty big accomplishment for a child with autism that is supposed to have problems recognizing emotions and voicing them.

I never thought myself to be perfect. I do try to do the best for my kids and every experience I draw strength from and learn from. He shall teach me how to be a better Mom as I try to teach him to be a good boy and great man.

 

 

 

Friends in the most unlikely of places

When you have a big family you limit yourself to outings and events as it proves challenging to take everyone places. When you have all boys, you add to the “limitation equation” but when you have a child with extra needs you also find that the invitations taper off.

I have never taken offense to this occurence and as a parent of 4 boys ages 4-9 and one with Autism I know that my family does not fit in everywhere I may have enjoyed being pre-kids.

I can tell you though that it gets very solitary being this type of family and for a social person, such as I am, there is a toll that is taken as the years pass. When before I might have always had a companion to do things with on the weekend or weekend night I often find that I am alone. It is the norm for me and the boys to spend a weekend alone without company and visitors are a special bonus when they come to our home, or out to events with us. They are a gift and not a given.

After 7 summers of hanging close to home and being protective of my boys I decided it was time for me and my Husband to find a hobby to get out and mingle.My oldest son had progressed very well and was now able to be left with a knowledgable sitter or family member who was big hearted enough to take all 4 kids for the day! (a lot to ask of anyone really)

After a conversation with a kind and happy older gentleman about his Motorcycle Club I decided to go out on a limb and see if maybe “bike life” might be a good but strange fit for us!

My husband had rode a bike PK (pre kids) and despite the fact he never really enjoyed it as much as he would have like to in the T dot, I felt I could get him to agree to give it a try out in his new home of Durham Region.

I come off as a little bad ass and tough girl so I thought that I might just enjoy the bike life and in the back of my head I craved the freedom of the open road since I had been tightly leashed by the restraints of motherhood for 8 years.

Despite how great those years have been and how much I wanted these years I have to admit there are times that giving 24 hrs or everyday to 4 boys and a Husband is JUST a little much, regardless of how giving in nature one is. Throw in a full-time job with as 2 hr commute each day, some pets and any extracurricular activities and you have a woman just dying to let loose and relax, even just for an hour or two each week.

I knew though that I had very little free time AND ideally it would be prudent to have my family enjoy the time with me so A) Everyone had the opportunity to be happy and enjoy themselves B) I would not have to choose between my family or my hobby and C) I would give my family a sense of acceptance and that is very important to forge ahead and grow confidently and proudly together as people. No body should ever feel they cannot be themselves completely, especially with family and friends. The 050 has quickly become both of those things to all 6 of us.

I signed up and went home and told my Husband I had joined a bike club.

I am pretty sure he thought I had lost my marbles.

After going out to meet the gang we quickly agreed we needed this more than we thought.

As summer came we found that our merrier gang of butter tart lovers also loved to make people welcome and would bend over backward to make us feel at home. Whether it was special draw prizes that strangely all four boys won or the patience in waiting for the boys to grab a snack and washroom break at Tims when really everyone was ready to KSU and get on to the adventure or taking the time to swim and play with my rough and tumble boys These big hearts naturally made us feel as we belonged.

Through out the summer it became routine to meet up for a ride and saunter over to the “mammamobile” and say hello to the boys. On most rides the bright Caravan trailed behind the troops protectively tailgunning to keep outsides away from the pack while watching over the flock, like a Mom instinctively does.

My boys knew that Saturday meant CMC outings and they looked forward to seeing their ‘bike friends” Wednesdays are bike club night and they waited patiently at home for me and Jack to arrive home so they could go out to see the ‘club’

I know that there were likely many family members and friends that internally cringed when I said I joined a Motorcycle club but I am confident all of them changed that perception quickly once they saw how easily we flourished under their kindness.

My friends and family have come out to some CMC events and everyone that has cannot say more complimentary things about our CMC family.

I can’t promise that everyone that joins gets as much as my family out of the experience but I can tell you that the CMC truly is unique and I have never met a nicer bunch of bikers.

The Mammamobile at Old Forge

I can’t wait to get out this year on my own bike and enjoy the beauty of the pack and the freedom of the open road while The “Daddymobile” trails behind and I hope to be around to see my own boys ride along with the 050!

The simple words -Life with my ASD boy

We take for granted all the very simple and innocent transactions that transpire between two people, the comfortable banter of siblings or friends that create a bond of friendship and love. Sometimes with Autism these simple words don’t get shared.

This morning I was sitting doing a little admin work with my first cup of coffee and my ASD son sat down beside me in a tub chair that has a very ample seat, allowing his baby brother to climb in and cuddle in with him.

“hey kid, shove over” LIncoln says warmly

“Give me room” His little brother demands and wiggles in to give himself room.

“boy you sure are bossy”

“Give me room!”

“ok, ok don’t freak out” Lincoln giggles

I look over, expecting a fight and see a beautiful smile blossomed on Lincolns face. His arm is draped very casually over his little brothers shoulders and I notice the little hand has taken his borthers bigger one and is also sharing a smile as the two of them sit watching tv all cute and zombie like.

THESE are the moments that matter.

THESE are the times I was so afriad I would be robbed of. I look at my children being children and I am thankful for all that I am blessed with and I can only hope your children are able to share in the same.

Autism makes it more difficult to express these feelings but it doesn’t always steal the opportunity away.

Best Saturday morning EVER!

Enjoy your children and have a wonderful weekend with your ASD kids.

A

All I am thankful for

Tonight I was out getting groceries for my Thanksgiving dinner and I ran into my best friends parents. They are lovely people, so warm and caring and I always enjoy speaking with them.

After exchanging pleasantries and a few chuckles about being out without children in tow I was asked about how Lincoln was doing.

As we stood talking, questions asked and answered, a little motherly pride beaming I thought to myself how amazing it was to be able to report such positive results and exactly how far my son had come.

I reflected back to a similar run in I had with the same couple a few years back , this time with a newborn and three very busy little boys.

At the time Lincoln was five and very remote and had much difficultly standing still long enough to allow me to greet and exchange pleasantries. I remember how the baby cried and I absently passed him off to my friend Mother as I struggled to get Lincoln off the floor, off the cart, to stand with me while the other little ones bounced around.

I remember how very kind they were with him, with all my boys and how heartbreaking it felt to know my son was not very responsive and that I wasn’t able to share with them all his lovely traits.

Sometimes with Autism it is hard to share in exchanges with friends, and the socializing is just too difficult. I was so very touched to see they only looked at him with kindness and the beautiful smile of one that truly enjoys the innocence of childhood and the wonderment of children. I did not feel ashamed as sometimes one will.

Tonight I was reminded just how far we have come and how grateful I am for all the help we have been given along the way to get to where we are.

There have been some really wonderful people that have worked very hard to get us where we are and with hard work and determination my son has become a very funny, sweet and smart little boy with a great disposition and a beautiful heart.

With Thanksgiving upon us I want to take a moment to revel in all the goodness in my life and my children’s. As a family, we have been blessed with amazing sons, brothers and friends to bloom and grow through life with and I could not think of anything better to be given.

Any day I feel down I simply have to look into the faces of my children and know I have nothing to feel sad about. I have everything within arms reach…each hug and kiss echoes how very blessed I am.

Autism has only given me a fresh and unique perspective on this journey and I am richer for it.

 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

100th POST!! The future…

Wow! Can you imagine? the BIG 100th post!

I never imagined I’d get here, but look! here I am.

Thank you all most sincerely for letting me have a voice.Without anyone to read my thoughts and experiences I really wouldn’t be sitting here at midnight plugging away and I likely wouldn’t be at such a healthy place with my feelings on raising an awesome child with Autism 🙂

As most of you know, I am a Mother of 4 little boys, my oldest having Autism.

Autism has taught me many lessons that have made me a better person, not just Mother. It has taught me to roll with the punches, to not let pride get in my way, to never give up.

It has forced an impatient person to be patient.

It has taught me to be prudent.

It has shown me my own weaknesses and challenged me to better myself.

It has asked me to be gentle and kind, to trust. Oh, how it has forced me to trust and believe and most difficult for me, to rely on others. This one, I must admit I am still working on 🙂

Autism has tried to break me down, it has rattled my foundation like a tornado rocks a lonely farm-house but it has not broken me.

It has tried to take from me my security, my friends and family, it has isolated me at times but despite all these things it has also taught me to rise above. It has taught me we are all alone at times, and that is ok.

It will teach you all the same, if only you let it. Your attitude is the only thing you can control but it is the vital possession and you CAN control the outcome.

Remember that. Hold on to the knowledge this too shall pass, and you can steer the ship to safety if you only wait out the storm. You’ll be glad you did 🙂

 

Last week, I was out with a few friends and had someone ask me if I knew what the future held for Lincoln.

It was a simple question, asked with concern and kindness and I felt honored that I had friends that wondered about the future like I did, even if just in passing…a lot of times people ignore autism all together as it can be difficult to breach in thought and let’s face it, it comes off as a negative to many.

As a parent of any child we both wonder and worry about our childs fate and future. We know how deep our love runs and we want so desperately to give our children the most happiest of futures and success.

I often will tell others that I truly never loved until I became a Mother. My heart has never ached so painfully nor run over so completely with admiration for one person. I have never felt it warm and blossom as it does when I watch my childs perfect mouth burst into a tooth grin or how safe and complete I feel when he slips his warm, soft hand into mine. I find peace when I hold him in my arms and I know beyond words that I am rich. I am blessed.

I have never felt such sadness when I consider he may not be able to experience all the wonders the world has to offer, because he might not be able to find a way to allow himself the experience.

Autism may not grant him these opportunities, no matter how hard I work, he works, no matter how much progress he makes.

I will have to accept that he may not ever get the chance to hold his own son or daughter and look into their eyes and see tomorrow, and perhaps he may never drive himself on an impromptu road trip with his buddies and do goofy things.. He might not ever get the chance to move out on his own, buy his first home, he may never fall head over heels in love or know the heartbreak of first love.

Will that make his life any less?

No, I can’t say it will. Who’s to say these are even things he might desire?

I do know that no matter what, I love my son completely and many others do too.

I know he has 3 brothers that look up to him and ‘Autism’ is not a bad word in our home, it is just a fact.

I know my son has a loving heart, a sensitive side and a curiosity that will lead him to many places. He has a sense of humor that will keep him smiling, laughter that will make others smile and he is strong, he will survive the hard times and be a better person for it.

These things I know.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I know he will be all that he desires to be, no matter what the strife, he will be exactly what he wishes to be.

And that is perfect.

Happy 100th post everyone! Thank you for getting me here.

A

 

 

Brotherly Love. Autistics and the siblings that love them.

Tonight I took my two middle sons to their martial arts class.

After an enjoyable time watching them move and learn we discussed the option of ice-cream on the ride home and strolled leisurely out of the rec centre. A boy from Graysons grade 1 class said hello as we exited and he entered the building.

“That was Brent” Gray advised me.

“he’s lucky. He doesn’t have an older brother, he just has a sister.”

I smiled. Then I clued in that he specified OLDER brother. He wasn’t referring to the two younger ones.

“So, whats so bad about having an older brother?” I asked gently.

He turned and caught my gaze with his big green eyes. The little freckles across the bridge of his nose made me smile. “Well, he never wants to play with me, um, he has autism, he doesn’t like to play WII…he has autism..so he just doesn’t like me.”

I take his hand and move to the retaining wall of the garden outside the rec centre. I sit, pulling him gently down too.

“Grayson, your brother really loves you. Sometimes people with Autism have a hard time playing with others….but not because they don’t want to. They also process information differently then you and I…different, but good. Different isn’t a bad thing honey, it just means that we have to be creative in finding ways to play together.”

He looks at me a little confused, a little leery but mostly interested and happy.

“I wonder if maybe you could think about what things you and Lincoln both enjoy and then we could take those ideas and find ways you can share enjoying them…what do you think?” I ask.

He smiles. “DEAL!”

My heart broke just a little as I realized that my son wanted nothing more then to be accepted and loved by his older sibling. I had a hard time keeping my voice steady while I assured him that his brother loves him (which he does to the moon and back) and tried to explain that Lincoln had no more control over how he reacts to things then we do and that we shouldn’t judge him because we wouldn’t want to be judged.

I am very glad that my 6 year old wasn’t afraid to let me know he felt as if he wasn’t wanted. I can imagine it would be hurtful to think your brother didn’t like you and it is certainly not the truth.

“Ready for an ice-cream?” I asked after a quick hug and snuggle.

“Ready, Mom!” the boys chimed.

“And Mom?” Grayson pipes up from the backseat and we buckle in ” I love you”.

Just a kid -my autistic boy and me.

Motherhood is a million little things you never expect it to be.

When you first find out there is life within you your heart and mind spins as free and wild as the a carnival ride. You smile. Laugh. Nauseate. Grin. Worry. Ponder. Be.

It is a truly unique feeling contemplating the unknown and knowing you are embarking on not only an adventure of a life time but also the most awesome love affair you will ever experience.

The first time you hear that perfect little gasp of breath and cry that split second of time stands still.

And I always thought that maybe after time or after the arrival of 4 sweet little ones my awe and amazement of being a Mom might just wear off, the sparkle may fade and dull but it hasn’t, and my children touch my heart just as deeply today as they did the first time I held them.

Today, I took a moment to sit and chat with my oldest son Lincoln. His beautiful hazel eyes implored my brown ones searching for a reason for the sit down before I spoke…I like to make sure I get his attention and any excuse to take in his loveliness is always welcome.

As we spoke I marveled in how fluent he has become. The wonderful vocabulary and thought in his questions. I felt a large sense of pride and a calming sense of security for he IS getting there and he’s doing it on his own.

A five minute conversation in the sunny livingroom of our humble little home gave me something priceless today. It gave me the realization that Autism did not drag us down, it only forced us to open our minds and also open our hearts a little wider.

April is Autism Awareness month but I think it is prudent to also use it as a reminder that autism is a valuable part of our lives. It offers us a different perspective and it makes our children unique and special. Take the time to support awareness initiatives in your area if you can, the more people who understand this piece of our lives the better.

JIm Morrison put it well: “Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”

Autism is not a prison. Fear of being different, judged or ridiculed will only overshadow the happiness and blessing you have been bestowed in your child.

My husband Jack has kicked off his 2nd “INK 4 AUTISM” initiative with over 100 tattoo shops participating. Any tattoo enthusiast out there, I encourage you to check out his site for details and participating studios.

https://www.facebook.com/Ink4Autism     facebook

http://www.ink4autism.com/

I’m looking forward to a life time of shared conversations with my boy, it is a privillage of motherhood I value and cherish. I hope you all enjoy the same and take the time to keep it simple. In the busy world of a parent you need to hold steadfast to the things that make you smile and make your heart swell.

HAPPY AUTISM AWARENESS MONTH!

 

 

 

 

Happy 8th birthday to the ASD boy who stole my heart.

I never saw it coming.

I didn’t know how much would change in just a single breath as his little tiny lungs filled with the hope and possibilities the world he entered offered but as my first-born son came into my life I instantly began to cry (much like I am writing this now) and I knew nothing would ever be the same and SOMETHING really wonderful just happened.

8 years later, as I watch my son frolic with his friends and laugh and smile as he blows out his candles I can only thank God for blessing me with such a profound gift.

That little boy who came into my life so round and rosy, with a tuft of black hair and wise eyes at 9lbs 6 ozs on a Saturday night in the mid of our winter sleep now stands tall and sturdy, his eyes full of wonderment and his giggle sings in my ears as sweet as an angels song. His hands are no longer drawfed by mine, but they still hold fast to me. His angelic face looks to my now for answers instead of just a reassuring smile.

It went by as fast as that first breath did. What I thought would take forever just passed in a flutter of an eye.

I cannot believe how fast and far my child has come, just this week he was given an award for being a fluid and expressive reader. The boy I worried was so far behind a year ago….

I thank my lucky stars everyday for Lincoln Jude. He is absolutely perfect in every way and I think Autism made him sparkle ‘just’ a little brighter.

I love you baby boy. Thank you for giving me the most valuable gift a person can be given.

Ink for Autism gets ink on the pages of Skin and Ink Magazine!!

I can not be more pleased than to be able to share with you a publication that features all the ink, sweat and tears of my friend and spouse, Jack Skorochod.

Jack decided to embrace our son’s autism and offer an avenue for other parents and tat enthusiasts to help show their love and support for their ASD kids and families.

I can not be more proud to know that my son has two parents that are supportive and accepting of him and will help support and educate others to make the world that much better for people effected by Autism.

Please feel free to share this post with anyone who may be interested in participating in “INK for AUTISM” we are always looking for new shops to help support this cause with us.

Great job, Jack! Thank you for loving our son so very much. Please take some time to be proud of all your efforts and accomplishments.

The March 2013 issue of Skin & Ink Magazine has a full-page article about Ink4Autism!

Welcoming 2013!

“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible – the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.” – Virginia Satir

While 2012 quickly draws to a close I’ve taken a little time to reflect on my year and how it was progressed and I can’t help but feel pride in the way my family has learned to work together and press forward.

I know to some it seems redundant to bring these successes to light again and maybe it may even be viewed as boastful but to me it seems so crucial to take the time to pat backs and offer congratulations on a good year of happy family life and evolution.

Families require balance in order to live in cohesion successfully. At times, the ASD family has a hard time finding the balance and the ebb and flow of Autism is unpredictable, just as life is. The challenge always is to keep your heart and mind open, to listen to your instincts and to your childs actions and words and make the best decision for him or her. For you. For your family.

Judgement will always be offered, at times even by yourself. Try to ignore it.

Instead, listen to your heart and when you see joy and happiness in your child know that you have found balance.

A family is never what you dream it may be when you are without one but it does become something so much more than you can dream for.

As we enter 2013 may I offer you my wish that you dream big and live strong in a family full of love and support. May you embrace your life for all the joys it contains and see potential in all that surrounds you.

Happy 2013!

A